i can't belive after all of this time that i am posting on this thing again, but since the only person i talk to is not avaliable at this time i guess this will have to do. (not meaning anything bad by that, i completely understand and hope she are having the time of her life).

i want to know why i can't be happy. it's not like i like feeling sad all of the time, it just  happens. i should be happy, i'm a very lucky girl: i have a wonderful husband, a great family and one fantabulous best friend, i have a good paying job, i'm going to graduate from college, i can see, hear, smell, and touch, i have common sense and some book smarts, yeah i've gained alot of weight but i'm not really ugly, and there are many other things that i am thankful for, but yet i am still not happy.

i know some of it is because of where my husband is, and thank God that the deployment is almost over. but even when he is home i fight to stay happy. i worry about everything, i worry myself out of being happy, and i can't stop it. i want to be happy, i don't want to worry every minute of every day, i want to break free of this never ending cycle, but how. it's second nature for me to worry and find things to be unhappy about. i know life's not supposed to be perfect so why do i expect it to be, i'm very lucky and blessed and yet i can't stop my mind from turning a happy day into a sad day.

i don't know what to do.

want to peak inside my head right now....well here it is...

will i have a good enough gpa tp get into a graduate program if i choose to do that one day?

will i be able to have children?

what am i going to do with my life?

jimmy comes home soon, what is he going to be like, we are going to have to get used to eachother again, oh what is he going to say about me gaining all of this weight, will he still find me attractive, will he still want me?

what are we going to do with tink, leave him at my parents house, it's going to be so hard to leave him, he's going to be so used to rajah that he's going to pout when we take him away. we'll have to get him a buddy. a cat a dog?

i need to start going through things upstairs and figure out what needs to be moved first, i go sign the paper work on the 18th i need the water and electricty turned on, pack unpack, new furniture, rugs, and decor. where to put them how to put them, will jimmy like the way i arrange everything, will he be happy with the new furniture that i have bought with him gone, will he think it's ugly that i'm ugly?

on another note what i am i going to do when i graduate i like so many things that i have no clue where to start. i think that i am going to look for a job in clarksville for january, but where to start......see this is what goes on in my brain all day and night every day and night, i can't stop it it just goes on forever

...well another few days have come and gone....i'm yet again at work. makeing money so that i can spend it of course.

i am so done. done with this job, done with school, done with living with my parents, and done with being witout my husband. I just can't wait until things go back to normal, whatever normal is neway.

well, i've been spending time reading over my past entries...it's funny how time passes and changes things/people. i think that time changes things that you don't even realize. some for good some for bad. i couldn't really tell you right now which way it's tends to change but i know it does.

looking back over these couple years that i've had entries has really opened my eyes to a few things. it has also reminded me of a few people that i haven't talked to in a very long time. it's wierd to think that two years ago, all i talked about was jimmy and megan. Jimmy is over seas again, and supposed to come home soon, i've been married for over two years now. and I haven't talked to Megan in forever. The only person I really talk to anymore is Becca. I can't believe I have known someone that long, since fourth grade! She's amazing! I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She has been there for me this entire deployment. I think this deployment has actually been good for me in a way. I feel more confidence in myself now emotionally, ans mentally. I feel that if need be I could stand on my own. But that does in no way mean that I want to!!!! I cannot wait for my husband to come home, it's been 7 months since I've seen him. But thanks to Becca that whole time hasn't been waisted sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I think she pulled me out of a depression, and for that I am forever grateful.

I have had the same job for 10 months. Nothing great or anything but it pays 10.50 an hour which is pretty good for a part-time job. I start my last semester of school on August 28th. and my last day of working here will be August 24th. As of right now I have an apartment reserved, and I will sign the paperwork on August 25th. I cannot wait to get all of the new furniture I have bought into our new quadplex apartment. We are going to have a patio and a one car garage. And NOONE on top of us. single story!

I cannot belive that in December, well the 16th to be exact, I will become a college graduate! How exciting is that?!? I cannot wait. But the funny thing is I still an not 100% sure about what I want to do as my career. I still love wedding coordinating and planning, but I don't know where to start...but I guess I can start looking now, maybe I'll get lucky.

Day 283

WOW it's been for freakin ever since i wrote on this thing....well jimmy came home on leave (R&R) 2 weeks in January....then left....I have 15 credits in school left I hopefully will be graduating in December. December 16th to be exact. Jimmy should be comming home by the end of September, so things are finally starting to look up. in that aspect of my life atleast. but as always there are plently of things for me to work on.